I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
so let's talk penis.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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