I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
