My Higher Power is John Stamos
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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