You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
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