Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
