3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
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