it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
