if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
