I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
