ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
You may now shotgun with the bride
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize