Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
