like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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