did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
