I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Randomize
