nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize