I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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