Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
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