Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
