I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
