is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
