it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
