dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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