i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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