I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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