halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize