you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Randomize
