the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
