listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize