You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
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