you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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