If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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