I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
