i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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