apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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