i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
