my room smells like sperm. sweet.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
