i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
