So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
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