I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
