i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
