I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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