Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
