She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Those nachos came to me in a dream
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
