Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Randomize
