hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
