i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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