Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Randomize
