He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
