nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
