New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
