I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize
