Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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