What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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