Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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