you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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