and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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