i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
