your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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