Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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