good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
The best revenge is premature balding
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize