bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
